I can't say I am mentally ill, however I can't say I am all that emotionally stable either! I have been on meds in the past, into therapy and even did a stint in a clinic almost 20 years ago. That was then. This is now: I am a mother, an inadequate parent, to 2 boys 2 & 4 years old. Married to their father, my husband, I freelance which is pretty much full time, and then some.
So why am I an inadequate parent? Like I said, not all that stable, but this whole parenting gig took me by suprise. As in how freaking hard that shit is! And I lay awake sometimes, or cry in my hands in the kitchen, because I know I am not what my children deserve. But there it is Boys, life lesson nr.1: life's not fair!
So I deal. I do my best, which, like I stated before does not mean all that much. I have really good, splendid parenting moments, heck at least it breaks up the monotony of (their?) parenting gulag, but overall? Meh.
So the answer is no. Yes, the answer to that question is NO. I know you are wondering, If I knew then.. Etc. NO.no.no. I am sorry. But still no. The least I can do, I must do is to be honest with myself. To survive with my sould semi-intact, I have to be brutally honest. Don't get me wrong: I would not, could not give away my children now. Not even for my balance, mentally or otherwise. But the burden of having their future health and wellbeing in my hands, it is just too great to bear. With great awesome love comes great and even more awesome suffering.
IP out!
